My son Julian was born with bilateral microtia, which means that both of his ears did not develop correctly, leaving him with moderate to severe hearing loss. His teachers told my husband this morning that his speech is regressing, and it sent me into a 2 hour tailspin. I needed the cry, as I should be able to grieve the idea of having my son not be "normal" like everyone else's child, but more importantly, this was a chance to learn about and love myself. The guilt and the grieving actually came from me feeling like as a practitioner of self consciousness, I should be able to be strong and handle this situation I was dealt with in the most graceful manner. And even more lying to myself came from the idea that I can't progress in this work I do and be valid unless I am unfazed by my son and his disability. After a little thinking about this (and a lot of help from a friend), I realized that the most growth I could receive from this is to honor myself and allow the emotions to come out (no matter what they are). Breathing into the reality of "what-is" is really the way to truthfully see it and deal with the circumstances. And at the end of the day, I wouldn't choose to have anyone else be Julian's mom...I know he "hears" loud and clear that I am the mom for him.
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